Great Expectations

27th January 2026

We all have expectations.

Of our partners, our friends, our coworkers, our families—and even of ourselves. Expectations help us make sense of the world. They give us a framework for what feels fair, safe, or “normal.”

But unspoken or unchecked expectations are one of the biggest causes of communication breakdowns and relationship strain.

The problem isn’t that we have expectations.
The problem is how we handle them.

The Assumption Trap

One of the most common communication mistakes we make is assuming other people know what we expect.

We think:

• “They should know this matters to me.”
• “If they cared, I wouldn’t have to say it.”
• “It’s obvious what the expectation is.”

But expectations live in our heads, shaped by our experiences, values, and past relationships. What feels obvious to us may be invisible to someone else. When expectations aren’t clearly expressed, disappointment often shows up disguised as frustration, resentment, or silence.

And the other person? They’re often confused, defensive, or completely unaware that anything is wrong.

When We Assume We Know What Others Expect

It works both ways. We also assume we know what others expect from us.

We fill in the gaps:

• “They probably want more from me.”
• “I’m not meeting their standards.”
• “This is what I’m supposed to do.”

Instead of checking in, we guess—and those guesses are often influenced by fear, insecurity, or old stories. This can lead to overcompensating, pulling away, or misreading someone’s intentions entirely.

Clear communication doesn’t come from guessing. It comes from asking.

The Weight of Unrealistic Expectations

Sometimes our expectations are simply too high—or too rigid.

We expect people to:

• Respond the way we would
• Show care in the same language we use
• Always get it right
• Meet our needs without missing a beat

When expectations are unrealistic, we set ourselves up for disappointment. We’re not just reacting to what’s happening—we’re reacting to the gap between reality and what we hoped would happen.

That gap can quietly erode trust and connection if we don’t acknowledge it.

Missing the Effort Right in Front of Us

Another subtle breakdown happens when we’re so focused on what we expect that we miss what the other person is actually trying to do.

They may be showing care differently.
They may be making an effort that doesn’t match our script.
They may be growing, but not in the way we imagined.

When expectations become blinders, we stop seeing the full picture. Communication isn’t just about expressing needs—it’s also about noticing intent and effort, even when it looks different than we anticipated.

Expectations Change—But We Don’t Always Update Them

Relationships evolve. People change. Circumstances shift.

Yet many conflicts come from outdated expectations that were never revisited.

What worked last year may not work now.
What felt reasonable once may feel overwhelming later.
What someone needed before may not be what they need today.

If we don’t check in and adjust expectations over time, we risk holding people to standards they didn’t agree to—or no longer can meet.

So What Can We Do Instead?

Healthy communication around expectations starts with a few key practices:

• Say them out loud. Clearly and calmly. Don’t assume.
• Ask instead of guessing. Curiosity prevents conflict.
• Stay flexible. Expectations aren’t contracts; they’re conversations.
• Check in regularly. Especially when life or roles change.
• Notice effort, not just outcomes. Intention matters.

Expectations don’t have to be the enemy of connection. When handled with honesty and openness, they can actually strengthen trust and understanding.

The goal isn’t to have no expectations—it’s to make them visible, discussable, and human.

Because great communication isn’t about mind-reading.
It’s about talking, listening, and adjusting—together.